The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten. Rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable.
Each and everyone one us, will, at some point have been through some degree of a physical or emotional tragedy, be it a loss of a loved one, a broken heart, loss of a job, parents separating or similar. Times when you feel like tomorrow doesn't or ever will exist again, or that the world will never be the same again. Yet constantly on these occasions, our human spirit and resolve comes through. Sometimes it's just the passing of time that eases our pains, other times it's the lessons we learn about ourselves, and the things we do to become stronger people. How many people do each of us know, have turned around at some point and said "If I could go back knowing what I know now..."? These words are spoken countless times by all of us, from youngsters in their twenties, to the aged. Although most of us will agree that to change the past would be to change the person that we are today, but how many people are genuinely 100% happy with the person that they are? I believe all of us, if just a few minutes of thought was spared, would say they'd have liked to have studied a little harder, gave a little more to a certain relationship, told someone something when they had the chance, or on the flip-side, to have not have told someone something they already had.
I know I have, and I'll make a little confession now without mentioning names, but I do know the person reads my blog, and will no doubt know that it is about them. I have a friend, and we have been good friends for around 8 years, and I think the world of them, their family, and for all the advice that has been given to me over the years and still to this day. They were once in a relationship, which was rocky to say the least, and as with some relationships destined for failure, my friend was lead astray. Was the other person involved prettier? In my mind no. Was there more long-term potential? Again, no. So why did my friend stray? In my opinion it was because they were still looking for that one person who they knew to be their Neo (The One). So what was my course of action? Well, unintentionally I mentioned my friends actions to their partners sibling. The proverbial hit the fan, as to be expected. Were things uncomfortable for a while? Without a doubt. Did my friend know it was me? I don't believe so. Do I regret it now? Not at all, for a while I did, immensely, yet never owned up. The circumstances are now that my friend is with someone new, married and their own little family, and I as I can only perceive from the outside, incredibly happy.
Each and everyone of us have done things they regret, and done things that they wouldn't change at all.
I have done some things this year that I wouldn't change AT ALL. Yet I have also done things that I have played over and over a million times in my head that I would sacrifice everything to change. I've always had a failing of sometimes not being able to step back from a situation, analyse everything and then speak sensibly. I get caught up with the things at the fore of my thoughts rather than digging the more important things out, the things that matter most.
Yet I am forever an optimistic person, I will always believe that we are in control of our own destinies. For a very long time, maybe 4 or 5 years, I have hidden behind the fear of failure, and in doing so have failed at some of the most important things presented to me. This brings me to my current state-of-mind, where for the biggest moment in my life, my fears have got the better of me, and I have disappointed the most important people in my life. The only saving grace is that for a long time they have only been given 50% of the real person that I am, and the plus side for the people involved is that it has been the scared little boy side, which means everything that is good about me is only just beginning to surface, a side they are yet to even know.
The reason for this is simple, the person who means the most has done the one thing that nobody else has ever done, left me out to dry. In their absence I have toiled in my own self pity. In any other circumstances I would have promised the world, resolved the matter and within a week slipped back into my old routine. The difference this time is that I have been hung out to dry with meaning, and rightly so! After days of wallowing in my own selfish hole, I feel I have been reborn, with a drive and motivation that I had forgotten even existed inside of me. A will to be the best person I can be, and not just for myself. I cannot recall ever feeling motivated to achieve better things because of someone else or for any over reason. And aren't they just the best two reasons in the World? The love of a person who will never let you rest on your laurels, someone with a backbone, and with dreams, and the Love of your own flesh and blood.
No one can ever explain that feeling of finding out you are going to be responsible for someone elses life.
But, with each passing day without my heart in my life, I push on for greater things, so that god willing one day I will be looked upon in a different light, not as the scared little boy who didn't know what to do for the best. Instead, as a man who can give his heart and soul openly and without fear to the woman he loves, as a provider for a family, and as the best father and daddy that any child could wish to have, and that a mother, mummy and partner could have by her side supporting her.
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