Hello there blog, and hello blog fans and followers!
It's been a while, of that I am aware, I just haven't had the compulsion to write... Let me rephrase that... I have had the compulsion to write, but I've just found myself hindered by two little stumbling blocks. One of which being my inability to type whilst my laptop is, oddly enough, on my lap. The second being unable to prioritise my thoughts for this blogs chosen subject; Live after death, Heaven and Hell, and in general, my thoughts on "The Meaning of Life".
Some may holler "How mundane!", some may be curious, some may even lambaste me for my blasphemous beliefs, but I shall trudge on regardless and for really only one reason... Someone asked me to blog on this subject, and given that I have very specific views on the subject, I thought "Why the hell not!".
First of all let's just set some details out, a kind of map so to speak. One that we can keep referring to if along the way we get a little sidetracked. Planet Earth/Terra/Gaia that we live on, and all of our individual lives, I consider to be "Hell". My beliefs on Heaven will be touched upon later, but for the time being we'll focus on Hell.
Anybody who claims to have had an easy life is either a hermit on a desert island who knows no better, or a goddamn liar. Life is meant to hard, it's Gods little test for us to prove that we are worthy enough to enter his "Great Kingdom". All of life's trials and tribulations are his little way of testing our resolve and our patience. Heaven is like an exclusive club. We all trudge through our lives, living them to the best of our means, or worst as we see fit, but at the end of it all our souls are assessed.
What happens to the unworthy? Simple, they are reincarnated. They must do it all over again. Who has ever heard of someone who believes that they were something nondescript in a past life? I haven't! People always believe that they were Hitler, Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun and the like. Do you hear of people once upon a time being a humble farmer or Marie Curie or Leonardo Di Vinci?
What about the easy way out? Suicide? Nope, back to day one, reincarnation. You have to see out an entire life, after all Heaven is an exclusive club, we can't just waltz in wearing jeans, trainers, bleeding wrists and a noose, you'd bring the image of the place down.
*this is incomplete*
Saturday 29 January 2011
Saturday 23 October 2010
This is an Oubliette...
And so it has come to pass. When times are at there most difficult and I am learning oodles about myself on a daily basis, that in turn I learn alot about the people who have been involved in my life, their true selves, and their intentions. For the best and for the worst.
I have spent the evening up until now with a friend of mine, recently a parent themselves, and witnessed what a single parent goes through seemingly on a nightly basis. As I lay there falling asleep through a film I have seen countless times I began to reflect on the events of the last few days, and the actions of the people I call friends. The friend whose company I was in is an absolute gem, and even acknowledged my need for company despite my not even asking or offering the slightest hint that I needed any. As I drove round, the closer I got I knew I was going to be emotional. It wasn't a "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" out pour, it was more of a build up of so many things coming out, that I am slowly bottling up inside.
When a person makes a transition from irresponsible to responsible, alot of things seemingly happen. For starters, some of the friends you have made up until that point appear to kick out in rebellion, I guess they love the person that you are and don't want to see any changes. Others embrace your choices and stick with you through thick and thin. These are the things I am noticing right now, and what compels me to write so shortly after posting my last blog.
I am going to come across as quite catty here, but I do so without remorse as the person about to be mentioned has show their narrow-mindedness and naivety in volumes in the last few days. I had a friend who has recently discovered she is pregnant. The father? Well, as much as I can gather was someone who was involved directly with her for approximately a month. This in itself is misfortunate. Her problem, was that she wanted a child so badly, constantly telling me that it should have been HER who was carrying my child. I personally could not have dreamt of a worse scenario, as the person in question doesn't have any real purpose, and is a compulsive liar. Despite us once being a couple for a brief period in time, she had recently been very supportive and helpful. Alarm bells should have rang upon seeing her in town prior to all this and her consequently having a tantrum and storming off because I wasn't hugging and kissing her, despite her knowing my position and my feelings for Dani. However, in my own naivety of believing that all people have good intentions, I did get back in touch. A problem arose when I asked if they would kindly remove a picture of the two of us as her profile picture on Facebook. We aren't a couple, and the irreparable damage it could cause wasn't worth it. Now I understand her counter-argument that we were friends and she isn't embarrassed of her friends, yet I apparently seemingly was she told me. The only niggling factors were that we aren't the best of friends and I'm sure she has closer friends, and to boot, we were once a relationship very much in the past tense. I serve no purpose being there, except to create some false ideology in her head and to course a potential nuisance.
This is just the instance of one person, there have been a few others who have revolted against my taking on a more responsible role, and have since shown their true colours. Which is such a shame given my thoughts on these people and how highly I valued their friendship. In hindsight though I know that their none existence is for the long term best.
As I sit here now I wonder if Dani is going through a similar thing, the friends that were once an everyday part of her life, who now, as she is deals with the symptoms of pregnancy and may be physically unable to do or want to do all the things she did before, are they all as around as they once were? And is she doing the same as I am having to do, and just block these people out?
One person I will never block out is my sister Aimee, and as a foot note, I'd like to wish her a happy 28th Birthday, I love you so much!
<3
I have spent the evening up until now with a friend of mine, recently a parent themselves, and witnessed what a single parent goes through seemingly on a nightly basis. As I lay there falling asleep through a film I have seen countless times I began to reflect on the events of the last few days, and the actions of the people I call friends. The friend whose company I was in is an absolute gem, and even acknowledged my need for company despite my not even asking or offering the slightest hint that I needed any. As I drove round, the closer I got I knew I was going to be emotional. It wasn't a "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" out pour, it was more of a build up of so many things coming out, that I am slowly bottling up inside.
When a person makes a transition from irresponsible to responsible, alot of things seemingly happen. For starters, some of the friends you have made up until that point appear to kick out in rebellion, I guess they love the person that you are and don't want to see any changes. Others embrace your choices and stick with you through thick and thin. These are the things I am noticing right now, and what compels me to write so shortly after posting my last blog.
I am going to come across as quite catty here, but I do so without remorse as the person about to be mentioned has show their narrow-mindedness and naivety in volumes in the last few days. I had a friend who has recently discovered she is pregnant. The father? Well, as much as I can gather was someone who was involved directly with her for approximately a month. This in itself is misfortunate. Her problem, was that she wanted a child so badly, constantly telling me that it should have been HER who was carrying my child. I personally could not have dreamt of a worse scenario, as the person in question doesn't have any real purpose, and is a compulsive liar. Despite us once being a couple for a brief period in time, she had recently been very supportive and helpful. Alarm bells should have rang upon seeing her in town prior to all this and her consequently having a tantrum and storming off because I wasn't hugging and kissing her, despite her knowing my position and my feelings for Dani. However, in my own naivety of believing that all people have good intentions, I did get back in touch. A problem arose when I asked if they would kindly remove a picture of the two of us as her profile picture on Facebook. We aren't a couple, and the irreparable damage it could cause wasn't worth it. Now I understand her counter-argument that we were friends and she isn't embarrassed of her friends, yet I apparently seemingly was she told me. The only niggling factors were that we aren't the best of friends and I'm sure she has closer friends, and to boot, we were once a relationship very much in the past tense. I serve no purpose being there, except to create some false ideology in her head and to course a potential nuisance.
This is just the instance of one person, there have been a few others who have revolted against my taking on a more responsible role, and have since shown their true colours. Which is such a shame given my thoughts on these people and how highly I valued their friendship. In hindsight though I know that their none existence is for the long term best.
As I sit here now I wonder if Dani is going through a similar thing, the friends that were once an everyday part of her life, who now, as she is deals with the symptoms of pregnancy and may be physically unable to do or want to do all the things she did before, are they all as around as they once were? And is she doing the same as I am having to do, and just block these people out?
One person I will never block out is my sister Aimee, and as a foot note, I'd like to wish her a happy 28th Birthday, I love you so much!
<3
Friday 22 October 2010
Canst thou summon up the very rocks?
The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten. Rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable.
Each and everyone one us, will, at some point have been through some degree of a physical or emotional tragedy, be it a loss of a loved one, a broken heart, loss of a job, parents separating or similar. Times when you feel like tomorrow doesn't or ever will exist again, or that the world will never be the same again. Yet constantly on these occasions, our human spirit and resolve comes through. Sometimes it's just the passing of time that eases our pains, other times it's the lessons we learn about ourselves, and the things we do to become stronger people. How many people do each of us know, have turned around at some point and said "If I could go back knowing what I know now..."? These words are spoken countless times by all of us, from youngsters in their twenties, to the aged. Although most of us will agree that to change the past would be to change the person that we are today, but how many people are genuinely 100% happy with the person that they are? I believe all of us, if just a few minutes of thought was spared, would say they'd have liked to have studied a little harder, gave a little more to a certain relationship, told someone something when they had the chance, or on the flip-side, to have not have told someone something they already had.
I know I have, and I'll make a little confession now without mentioning names, but I do know the person reads my blog, and will no doubt know that it is about them. I have a friend, and we have been good friends for around 8 years, and I think the world of them, their family, and for all the advice that has been given to me over the years and still to this day. They were once in a relationship, which was rocky to say the least, and as with some relationships destined for failure, my friend was lead astray. Was the other person involved prettier? In my mind no. Was there more long-term potential? Again, no. So why did my friend stray? In my opinion it was because they were still looking for that one person who they knew to be their Neo (The One). So what was my course of action? Well, unintentionally I mentioned my friends actions to their partners sibling. The proverbial hit the fan, as to be expected. Were things uncomfortable for a while? Without a doubt. Did my friend know it was me? I don't believe so. Do I regret it now? Not at all, for a while I did, immensely, yet never owned up. The circumstances are now that my friend is with someone new, married and their own little family, and I as I can only perceive from the outside, incredibly happy.
Each and everyone of us have done things they regret, and done things that they wouldn't change at all.
I have done some things this year that I wouldn't change AT ALL. Yet I have also done things that I have played over and over a million times in my head that I would sacrifice everything to change. I've always had a failing of sometimes not being able to step back from a situation, analyse everything and then speak sensibly. I get caught up with the things at the fore of my thoughts rather than digging the more important things out, the things that matter most.
Yet I am forever an optimistic person, I will always believe that we are in control of our own destinies. For a very long time, maybe 4 or 5 years, I have hidden behind the fear of failure, and in doing so have failed at some of the most important things presented to me. This brings me to my current state-of-mind, where for the biggest moment in my life, my fears have got the better of me, and I have disappointed the most important people in my life. The only saving grace is that for a long time they have only been given 50% of the real person that I am, and the plus side for the people involved is that it has been the scared little boy side, which means everything that is good about me is only just beginning to surface, a side they are yet to even know.
The reason for this is simple, the person who means the most has done the one thing that nobody else has ever done, left me out to dry. In their absence I have toiled in my own self pity. In any other circumstances I would have promised the world, resolved the matter and within a week slipped back into my old routine. The difference this time is that I have been hung out to dry with meaning, and rightly so! After days of wallowing in my own selfish hole, I feel I have been reborn, with a drive and motivation that I had forgotten even existed inside of me. A will to be the best person I can be, and not just for myself. I cannot recall ever feeling motivated to achieve better things because of someone else or for any over reason. And aren't they just the best two reasons in the World? The love of a person who will never let you rest on your laurels, someone with a backbone, and with dreams, and the Love of your own flesh and blood.
No one can ever explain that feeling of finding out you are going to be responsible for someone elses life.
But, with each passing day without my heart in my life, I push on for greater things, so that god willing one day I will be looked upon in a different light, not as the scared little boy who didn't know what to do for the best. Instead, as a man who can give his heart and soul openly and without fear to the woman he loves, as a provider for a family, and as the best father and daddy that any child could wish to have, and that a mother, mummy and partner could have by her side supporting her.
<3
Each and everyone one us, will, at some point have been through some degree of a physical or emotional tragedy, be it a loss of a loved one, a broken heart, loss of a job, parents separating or similar. Times when you feel like tomorrow doesn't or ever will exist again, or that the world will never be the same again. Yet constantly on these occasions, our human spirit and resolve comes through. Sometimes it's just the passing of time that eases our pains, other times it's the lessons we learn about ourselves, and the things we do to become stronger people. How many people do each of us know, have turned around at some point and said "If I could go back knowing what I know now..."? These words are spoken countless times by all of us, from youngsters in their twenties, to the aged. Although most of us will agree that to change the past would be to change the person that we are today, but how many people are genuinely 100% happy with the person that they are? I believe all of us, if just a few minutes of thought was spared, would say they'd have liked to have studied a little harder, gave a little more to a certain relationship, told someone something when they had the chance, or on the flip-side, to have not have told someone something they already had.
I know I have, and I'll make a little confession now without mentioning names, but I do know the person reads my blog, and will no doubt know that it is about them. I have a friend, and we have been good friends for around 8 years, and I think the world of them, their family, and for all the advice that has been given to me over the years and still to this day. They were once in a relationship, which was rocky to say the least, and as with some relationships destined for failure, my friend was lead astray. Was the other person involved prettier? In my mind no. Was there more long-term potential? Again, no. So why did my friend stray? In my opinion it was because they were still looking for that one person who they knew to be their Neo (The One). So what was my course of action? Well, unintentionally I mentioned my friends actions to their partners sibling. The proverbial hit the fan, as to be expected. Were things uncomfortable for a while? Without a doubt. Did my friend know it was me? I don't believe so. Do I regret it now? Not at all, for a while I did, immensely, yet never owned up. The circumstances are now that my friend is with someone new, married and their own little family, and I as I can only perceive from the outside, incredibly happy.
Each and everyone of us have done things they regret, and done things that they wouldn't change at all.
I have done some things this year that I wouldn't change AT ALL. Yet I have also done things that I have played over and over a million times in my head that I would sacrifice everything to change. I've always had a failing of sometimes not being able to step back from a situation, analyse everything and then speak sensibly. I get caught up with the things at the fore of my thoughts rather than digging the more important things out, the things that matter most.
Yet I am forever an optimistic person, I will always believe that we are in control of our own destinies. For a very long time, maybe 4 or 5 years, I have hidden behind the fear of failure, and in doing so have failed at some of the most important things presented to me. This brings me to my current state-of-mind, where for the biggest moment in my life, my fears have got the better of me, and I have disappointed the most important people in my life. The only saving grace is that for a long time they have only been given 50% of the real person that I am, and the plus side for the people involved is that it has been the scared little boy side, which means everything that is good about me is only just beginning to surface, a side they are yet to even know.
The reason for this is simple, the person who means the most has done the one thing that nobody else has ever done, left me out to dry. In their absence I have toiled in my own self pity. In any other circumstances I would have promised the world, resolved the matter and within a week slipped back into my old routine. The difference this time is that I have been hung out to dry with meaning, and rightly so! After days of wallowing in my own selfish hole, I feel I have been reborn, with a drive and motivation that I had forgotten even existed inside of me. A will to be the best person I can be, and not just for myself. I cannot recall ever feeling motivated to achieve better things because of someone else or for any over reason. And aren't they just the best two reasons in the World? The love of a person who will never let you rest on your laurels, someone with a backbone, and with dreams, and the Love of your own flesh and blood.
No one can ever explain that feeling of finding out you are going to be responsible for someone elses life.
But, with each passing day without my heart in my life, I push on for greater things, so that god willing one day I will be looked upon in a different light, not as the scared little boy who didn't know what to do for the best. Instead, as a man who can give his heart and soul openly and without fear to the woman he loves, as a provider for a family, and as the best father and daddy that any child could wish to have, and that a mother, mummy and partner could have by her side supporting her.
<3
Wednesday 20 October 2010
I said "'allo," but that's close enough
Well here we are...! After many years of computer literacy I have finally taken the plunge into the world of blogging. First of all I will explain my motivation for such a quest; It was very simply Mr Samuel Skerritt, he'd complimented me on my writing several weeks back and suggested I start my own blog, beats Facebook notes he said, and I reckon there is a million and one reasons now I've reached my fifth line of blogging why I do actually feel I will get much more satisfaction from this. The most important of which, being that it has the potential to reach a much wider audience, who knows, I may even earn Internet notoriety for some future controversial blog (cue Twilight Zone music).
I shouldn't imagine most people have very much to write about in their initial jaunt into blogging, and as I sit here now with the clock ticking towards 1am, I do find myself with lots to say, but very little to write.
What I will do however is briefly touch on a few things about myself, a few people around me, and some things that people have asked me to elaborate on. So that you, the reader, know a little bit more about the person who is wasting a few moments of your time, the cast and crew in my life, and where the blog will be going in the coming few editions.
Firstly the Blog itself, will have each and every edition titled with a Labyrinth themed title.....why you ask? Well contrary to what one reader may think, despite stealing the main heading of my blog from one of their photo albums, they know as well as I do that they stole it from the film, and I hold that scene in just as higher regard as they do. It isn't a reference to anything except a great film, and a great story, and that's what all our lives are right? A great story?
A little about me then. I am, as of writing a 30 year old male with many interests and loves. A love of sports, and an avid follower of Sheffield Wednesday and the LA Lakers. I watch very little television, but have a huge of love film and cinema. I follow the news. I appreciate food, but don't eat enough. I've had a bumpy love life, and despite finding my true love, continue to have a bumpy love life. I have a very intriguing family, and all of which in this paragraph will no doubt be touched upon in future blogs.
As will be my giving a definition of what I believe Love is, as I was asked to do so by a very dear person to me recently, unfortunately I could not give an answer straight away, as the twisted recesses of my brain needs a little time to define something as complicated and twisted as the second greatest gift on Earth.
The greatest thing being that which will come into my life, just as the flowers, and as everything else that is beautiful about spring appears, so too will my first child!
And lastly for our first edition I'll list you off some names, and the role they play in what I am beginning to believe is a real life version of The Truman Show, only with me as Truman Burbank.
Aimee Swaap - My Sister, my rock, my confidant
Dani Reeve - Mother of our child-to-be, and the toughest girl in the world
Suzan Swaap - My Mother
David Swaap - My Father
Sophie Howson - Probably my best friend, I just don't confide in her enough
Teresa Szmigelskyj - Sophie's Girlfriend, and I truly believe the female me, legend
Sherry Pratt - My longest time friend
Lucy Roddis - My Guardian Angel (possible dead though :S )
Paul Hemmington-Page - Father to my sisters son Ethan, and a very good friend
In closing, I would like to add that if you aren't mentioned that doesn't mean you play no part in my life, I am merely only naming people who will get a mention in upcoming blogs. And finally, this Blog will contain raw truth, if what you read you do not like then either comment saying so, or stop reading all together. I've learnt alot of lessons over the last few years, and lying and dishonesty only ruins lives. That will not be a path I will we pursuing anytime soon.
<3
(Hopefully I'll come up with a nice line to finish each blog off with...Any suggestion? Comment below)
I shouldn't imagine most people have very much to write about in their initial jaunt into blogging, and as I sit here now with the clock ticking towards 1am, I do find myself with lots to say, but very little to write.
What I will do however is briefly touch on a few things about myself, a few people around me, and some things that people have asked me to elaborate on. So that you, the reader, know a little bit more about the person who is wasting a few moments of your time, the cast and crew in my life, and where the blog will be going in the coming few editions.
Firstly the Blog itself, will have each and every edition titled with a Labyrinth themed title.....why you ask? Well contrary to what one reader may think, despite stealing the main heading of my blog from one of their photo albums, they know as well as I do that they stole it from the film, and I hold that scene in just as higher regard as they do. It isn't a reference to anything except a great film, and a great story, and that's what all our lives are right? A great story?
A little about me then. I am, as of writing a 30 year old male with many interests and loves. A love of sports, and an avid follower of Sheffield Wednesday and the LA Lakers. I watch very little television, but have a huge of love film and cinema. I follow the news. I appreciate food, but don't eat enough. I've had a bumpy love life, and despite finding my true love, continue to have a bumpy love life. I have a very intriguing family, and all of which in this paragraph will no doubt be touched upon in future blogs.
As will be my giving a definition of what I believe Love is, as I was asked to do so by a very dear person to me recently, unfortunately I could not give an answer straight away, as the twisted recesses of my brain needs a little time to define something as complicated and twisted as the second greatest gift on Earth.
The greatest thing being that which will come into my life, just as the flowers, and as everything else that is beautiful about spring appears, so too will my first child!
And lastly for our first edition I'll list you off some names, and the role they play in what I am beginning to believe is a real life version of The Truman Show, only with me as Truman Burbank.
Aimee Swaap - My Sister, my rock, my confidant
Dani Reeve - Mother of our child-to-be, and the toughest girl in the world
Suzan Swaap - My Mother
David Swaap - My Father
Sophie Howson - Probably my best friend, I just don't confide in her enough
Teresa Szmigelskyj - Sophie's Girlfriend, and I truly believe the female me, legend
Sherry Pratt - My longest time friend
Lucy Roddis - My Guardian Angel (possible dead though :S )
Paul Hemmington-Page - Father to my sisters son Ethan, and a very good friend
In closing, I would like to add that if you aren't mentioned that doesn't mean you play no part in my life, I am merely only naming people who will get a mention in upcoming blogs. And finally, this Blog will contain raw truth, if what you read you do not like then either comment saying so, or stop reading all together. I've learnt alot of lessons over the last few years, and lying and dishonesty only ruins lives. That will not be a path I will we pursuing anytime soon.
<3
(Hopefully I'll come up with a nice line to finish each blog off with...Any suggestion? Comment below)
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